my prayer before leaving

This is a prayer which I prayed before leaving the Retreat. I prayed it in front of a small ornamental lake and threw something into the water as a symbol of that comittment. It was, sadly, a stick...not an attractive rock, but it was all I could find and it made me laugh. I cried a lot as a I did this, it was a significant comittment and I knew what I was getting into, it was as if I was finally standing up and being counted, finally deciding to serve God and the Church graciously, without moaning about it or pretending I can't do it.
As the pitiful stick hit the water it caused ripples which extended out and touched he ripples of the other objects and rivulets spilling into the water. It was a glimpse of God in that it caused a movement on the water and represented to me the way in which all our different gifts ripple against each other to create a beautiful pattern.

This prayer is based on an exercise where we were asked to make sense of our journalling exercise from beginning to end. We were asked what God might be saying to us, where God might be leading. It became clear from my journal that I was called to a role of listening in many senses. I was called to being still and at peace, present to God and others and listening, but I was also called to laughter and prayer. Most of all I was called to listening in whatever sense I could to God. This was a revelation to me, but not to anyone else, mostly people sighed with relief when I told them. "At last, she finally 'gets it'"

It was news to me really, I think most people would have expected a more tangible idea with goals and objectives and purpose, but this is a strange role to be given and although I am already developing it and enjoying it it never seemed to me like a vocation in itself. I have never heard of such a thing! Anyway, here is the prayer:

God
You
Know
Me
I
Know
You
Use me to hold others in your embrace
To show them your smile
To trust you
To be unashamed
Bring me to accept
That I must be still
Be listening
Be present and at prayer
To claim my gifts with gratitude
And to use them with humility
To know that you will be present
To accept that I too must be present
and bring healing through your presence
With your people
I pray that I will trust that
What I have been given I have responsibility to share
and what you ask of me
I must do
Use all of me Loving God to your Glory
Amen

At the end of the retreat we sat together and shared. I made a gesture by laying down my journal in the centre of the room next to another woman's work. It was a form of gratitude, we had been pilgrim's on a journey together and we had changed each other, for that I am eternally grateful because they helped me to be fully myself and to start enjoying being Jess simply for who I am