Doris Lessing

I have just watched Alan Yentob interviewing Doris Lessing. She seems to be an amazing writer, she has won the Nobel Prize for Literature and almost every other award going. She is critically acclaimed in other words. The worst part is that she is one of those whose writing I have never read. Many of the quotes from her novels I have heard and remembered just because they made sense somehow. It is rare to be so inspired by a person that the response is to feel it is futile trying to be impressive or approved of. Since in many ways this has been my life's work it has shaken me. It is odd being someone who seeks to please and impress, we are locked into our own demise, our desperation to be loved, liked, approved of etc leaves us immobile or trapped into uncomfortable spaces draining our creative impulse, the very impulse which impresses and inspires in the first place.
She was so inspiring and I really identified with her. I feel that imperative to write all over again as part of who I am. At the same time, seeing a woman who was published as a young adult reaching around 80 and recieving a Nobel Prize for literature leaves me breathless with panic that it is already too late to write everything that I want to get out. She had about 60 years, I'm 36 already. Not helpful thoughts if they stifle but helpful motivation. What is great about this woman is that she didn't write to please, doesn't apologise for doing and being what and who she was at any given time. Being as old as she is hasn't meant saying 'if', in that she says 'yes, I did and said that', and I was wrong or it was unforgivable or I know longer believe what I once did'. But she doesn't die with embarrasment or shame.
I do. When I read past writings I can't reconcile myself to the differences between the reader and the writer. I often used to destroy my past writings as though I were trying to re-write myself. Doris Lessing was entirely herself. It was what I admired about my Mum. I do not think that I always am. To be entirely ourselves sometimes means being displeasing to others. Invariably and perhaps unavoidably by being entirely ourselves we become problematic. I cannot be me with you in the same room without having to share space and air. I can't stop breathing so that you have all the air you desire.
I am saying that inspiring people for me are people for whom being themselves continues. They are not people who continue unchanged and unchallenged in their behaviour and way of life. They are people who are true to their character and essence and in so being give and enrich life. They respond and behave in ways which are 'of them'. They are certainly not regardless of their capacity to harm and do not evade their responsibility to others or the care of others. They are people who bring what they bring, nothing more or less with which to persuade you to applaud. The people who really inspire are the ones who are able to do this and by so doing inspire, affect, touch and engage other lives. They are people whose decision to be who and what they are without apology brings out the same ability in others. They are people for whom doing this and being unique brings a kind of reconciliation for themselves and for those around them. The flip side to this is that for every person who says 'this is who I am', there is another who says 'I can't help it if this is who I am'. For those people 'being myself' can become an excuse to behave badly. They are not the same thing but they are certainly two sides of the same coin. I think the key difference is that people who inspire good things in people are people who are aware of their human capacity to harm, to cause harm and to create evil. Perhaps people who inspire bad things or use their 'intrinsic character as an exuse are not fully aware of their capacity to injure or more specifically, what it means to injure another. They may be aware that being themselves might involve doing bad things, they may be unaware of what this means for other.
To be inspiring people need to have an ability to be entirely, unapologetically, unavoidably 'as they are'. But this must be coupled with a decision to retain an insight into what this means for others. Really inspiring people know what capacity there is within them as a unique individual to use their being uniquely for harm or for good.
So, Doris managed to get me writing this at least. My little half an hour once a week shown to five people total, who I know won't be cruel or ridicule me. It is better than nothing and it is, after all, true to my need to start somewhere which won't overwhelm me.
Doris Lessing avoided being labelled. I like people like that. I try to avoid it too, but I don't think we ever escape. If we don't label ourselves, others will. Maybe it is better to choose your own.